My mouth shoots faster than my brain!

Confession: I have a loose tongue!

Yes, my tongue has been known to flap around and say things that my mind only realises much too late. It’s like my tongue has its own thing going on, separate from the hustle and bustle of my actual life.

And on that fateful thursday as our band made its way to an auspicious venue in Honeydew to play our music at the Inspired Teachers conference, no one suspected that my tongue had his own plans!

I think it was my childhood, Yes, that’s it! I remember now- As a child we just say anything we want , without a 2nd thought. Well I guess I never really got over that phase.

” Teaching is a great profession, and I commend you all, it’s just something that I would NEVER do myself of course…….” These were the inspiring words that I delivered during our gig at The Inspired Teachers Conference. The moment my mouth shot these terrible words off their was no turning back. The statement was followed by complete silence and shock . Makati , our bassist, delivered a rather sheepish, nervous laugh that rung out in the hall like a judge’s verdict.

I froze! Maybe it was that conflicted relationship with my grade 8 english teacher, Mrs. White who would not and I suppose could not return my adolescent love. Or maybe it was my anger towards Mr . Brown , the vice head who caned me for having my hair slightly over the collar. If only he could see my shiny pate now , he would have had more compassion. Whatever it was, my tongue betrayed me  like a fevered Banshee – and I was left helpless.

I look around, the teachers are staring at me as if I left my Math work at home.

There is only one thing to do, we proceed to play one of our strongest, funkiest songs, Blue. The song can penetrate even the deepest  tension. Feet start tapping , head start slowly bopping. Math homework is forgotten. A History teacher (that’s how he looked) in the back with bright orange suspenders, stood up and did a dance that looked like a mix of the foxtrot and hip-hop.

Smiles start breaking out and judging by the tweets and FB comments, we were a hit!

BUT……..

When will my tongue strike again, what new victim is waiting unsuspecting to be struck by my evil appendage?

I just do not know and I take no responsibility!

5 Things you must know about the Dolly Parton diet and weight loss!

Hello all,

Here are 5 must knows about the Dolly Parton diet:

1> What is it that stands out about Dolly Parton? Is it her infectious southern accent? Is it her prolific singing career culminating in that magnanimous hit  ‘9 to 5’ ?  NO!  What stands out is her tiny waist with those massive gazonges!

Would you like gazonges like hers ? then read on!

2> First you must learn the recipe to this miracle soup:

6 med onions

2 large green peppers

1 med celery

1 can whole tomatoes

2Tbspoons dry onion soup mix

The key to this recipe is not to make the soup but just to learn the recipe by heart and say it out loud all the time. Yes this is the magic formula to an unhealthily thin waist line and overly sized bosom.

Dolly would literally spend hours just saying those words over and over….”6 medium onions,2 large green peppers,1 medium celery…etc,etc..” It becomes like a whole culinary meditation.

3> The Balloon and starvation effect.

Now I like country and western music just as much as the next neo-fascist, but there’s one thing I can tell you  – It doesn’t guarantee weight loss. And certainly not weight loss with the increased breast size that we are looking for.

I don’t know if Dolly used this next technique but I know it works because it worked for me : Don’t eat!

Yes, starvation is a great weight loss technique and is widely used among freaks worldwide. But starvation is not enough on its own – in order to get the Parton parcels , we need to use the balloon. Now this may sound a little ‘out there’ but don’t knock it till you try it: Make friends with 2 big balloons -any colour is fine – then take them out to dinner, catch an early movie, go to the park , just hang around and chat.  Soon enough they will tell you the secret to there big roundness and you will be sorted!

4> Listen to our music :

This next one is self explanatory – we don’t guarantee weight loss but you will end up bouncing those boobies that you have newly acquired. Hear us at www.btraqband.com

5> Pick your nose in public: if anyone asks , I never told you this. Will it make you lose weight? Less snot = Less weight – you do the math!

For those of you that don’t know how , here are some examples:

The Battle and the Buble

The world of pushing a band is a dark and sticky one. B-Traq has been together for about 3 years, if my war-torn memory serves me correctly. And let me not mince my words (I hate mince anyway) when I say that it has been a battle. A big bad beautiful battle! And who is the enemy? Buble!

Now you may be wondering why this innocent smooth voiced bubbly Buble could be an enemy to anyone? I think even the Mormons like him! You see, I personally have nothing against the chap but the boisterous bubble that is Buble represents everything that my band is NOT!

He is smooth, smoother than a monkeys bum after a long slide down a gum tree!

We are rough! Rough and crunchy. We hit the funk spot like a ton of grainy bricks. The only smooth thing about us is the odd shaven head here and there. We are like orgasmic sandpaper rubbing tunes into your tympanic membranes (ear drums to the non-medically trained)!

And another thing, it has recently come to my attention that there are some out there that think this belligerent Buble boykie is better looking than me!! The shock , the horror. I have prepared this special comparison picture to finally clear this craziness up. Take a look and judge for yourself:

Come on, there’s no competition-just look at that mustache!

Anyway, this brings me to my final point which is that due to our clear musical and stylistic superiority over the bombastic brandish Buble – we have made it our battle to be bigger, better, brasher , bolder, broader and buffer that the bodacious Buble, and we gonna do it this year!

So watch out Buble , just don’t book a concert on the same night we are playing cause rough can make smooth rough, but smooth can’t make rough smooth – if you know what I mean!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rain and belief.

My pseudo-name is Fazza. I have been asked to make this funny! At the moment I feel about as funny as a bullfrog that’s just wandered onto a busy intersection. So if you will indulge a rather sombre bullfrog , I think you might find that an interesting story is about to emerge.

I’d like to talk about B-Traq’s most recent gig. We were called upon to present ourselves at the arts on main market on Thursday evening. A certain prestige was felt by the band as we entered into the already bustling market space rather late for our sound check. Why were we late? Now let me stop here if I may – those that have seen me perform know that I am a hard-core funk man who likes his drinks strong and his women even stronger.

On this particular evening though I may not have been quite as powerful as I would have liked to. So, how do I put this? let’s just say that the previous evening I had eaten something rather dodgy and that it was difficult for me to leave the safe haven of my toilet seat. I made it to the car several times with the best of intentions but alas only to find myself running back inside like some war-torn soldier heading for the trench. Just in time my stomach gave me a brief reprieve and I made it to the market – haggard but alive!

Then the RAIN! It came down ! that’s its best direction. Rain is not good on the up thing. We were supposed to play outside. I am not a calm person. I need order and law- in that order. When things go wobbly , I wobble. And things were going wobbly.

We waited. It rained. We waited. It rained. This was not working.

Our performance was set for 9. We needed 45min to setup with no sound check.

Here I need to admit something that 100 years ago would have been seen as a noble action. Today, it just doesn’t fly. I prayed! And not in that sort of back of the mind God help me prayer, no, no – I was virtually on my knees. And even though I am a liberal , open-minded , modern, intellectual shmuck- God came to the party and stopped the water falling. for a bit!

And then we played- and again it felt like God had come to the party – cause we rocked that place , even the cockroaches were getting it on! Until the 6th song. Now many of you may not know this but unlike me God can keep his sense of humour through the roughest times and he was on form that night. During this song called ‘Yemenite cruiser’ , God decided to hit Makati , our chilled bassist, with a couple of large raindrops on the back of his neck- this really freaked him out and he started playing the notes from ‘uptown girl’ by Billy Joel , a song he doesn’t even know.The whole band sort of moved into a weird 80’s cosmic confusion and we were only saved by the crash of an incredible loud thunder. I consoled the band later that it was the first time my stomach had made a sound like that. Luckily, everyone took it as the storm coming and proceeded to disperse like wild ants.

It did in fact start pouring very soon but the band and the crowd loved the gig anyway. No thanks to God!